When…

When…She’s up, motivated and spritely

Nothing can stop her. She’s the force that exudes energy, a raging ball of fire that will consume anything that attempts to stop her grind. She allows nothing or no one to get in her way; although meek, she’s powerful. And with knowledge of the power she possess she can be dangerous but, instead she chooses to remain humble, she only exercises her powers when needed.

When….She’s down, she cries like a baby. In silence, she screams for help but often these cries go unheard. She mopes around feeling unworthy, unwanted, undeserving… helpless. Self resentment occurs as she judges and critiques everything about herself. She hits rock bottom and falls into a pit of depression only to face this demon alone.

Who’d think such a person can be both? When it’s good, it’s good and when it’s bad, things are horrible.

But when,

When….She remembers to give thanks with a sincere heart, when she re-centre and refocus herself, there’s an alignment within and everything else fall into place. This sudden shift, a balance so unexplainable, seems magical.

Just Words

Composed in Summer/Fall 2014

Just Words

I used to think I was strong but then love happened….At least that’s what I thought.

Running games was a thing for me. I could get anything I wanted without giving ‘it’ up.

I played them before they played me. When things got serious, I carefully backed out.

A million and one excuses was what I was about. That was my perception of being strong but then, ‘Love happened’, or so I thought.

Material things became obsolete when love happened…Yes, love! Or so I thought …

I met a boy, yes a BOY, who changed my world, then love happened, or so I thought.

There was the good, the bad and the ugly but my love remained the same, unwavering and unchanged. Although blinded, I thought I was strong, but love happened, or so I thought.

I wondered …. Is love really manipulation? A flash of instant gratification? To be held down without a promise or no hope.

I was so held down, just to cope, I started to think of being overdosed.

Maybe love is the ‘make up’ after a fight. , The, ” baby, I was wrong, I was drinking that night!” The cuddle to appease you, but only to later on release you.

Perhaps love is being a trophy, taken from a shelf and dust off as needed. Love had me compare myself to that prized possession that’s shown off to others, only to be returned to safekeeping after a few glorious minutes.

I thought I was strong… but then love happened. (Or so I thought )

Self Incarceration

I feel like I’m inside a cage. Not trapped, in fact it’s not even locked, but I’m just too afraid to come out.

What scares me are the things on the outside. “Will I ever make it?”, I wonder. What will my life be like outside of this box of steel. This cage of rules. This small space that’s stagnating my growth.

I know if I remain here, I’ll only adapt and become just like my environment. To me, it’s safe.

It’s safe in that I don’t have to look for security, I have that here. It’s safe in that I don’t have to look for a community I have that here too.

What’s not safe, is that I have all that security and the community but I still feel alone and lost.

I feel out of place in this here space.

Do I need to be anymore uncomfortable to pull the latch open and climb out? Perhaps! But it shouldn’t have to be. I’ve been made uncomfortable enough. Enough for anyone to want to leave. So why am I still here?

Even my mind is not at peace because it’s not where it wants to be. It’s fixated on a place of higher calling. A place where I’m free to grow.

There will be rules there too but I’ll be the one that’ll create them.

So what’s keeping me inside this box, being held hostage by oneself? Everything is telling me to leave but yet I cling on to it; fearful, broken and confused. He didn’t create me for such a place. It’s time to let go!

A letter to self … Year 30

Dear Stacy of the past 29 years,

You’ve been blessed to grace this earth with your presence by an omnipotent power, to fulfill a mandate and execute your purpose for reasons greater than your self. That road has not been easy but you do it anyhow, with much vigor, enthusiasm, grace and class. Perfect? No, but your perfect imperfections are infectious and have crafted you into who you are. Every thing in life has been calculated and there wasn’t much that you haven’t dealt with. Life has certainly served you your fair share but you’ve managed to take what you were given and made the best of it; with little to no excuses. Many times you wanted to give up on everything but your inner strength would never allow it. Somehow you always knew there was more to give and more to do. And sometimes with a broken heart and crushed spirit you still managed to smile. If life has thought you only one thing, it’s never get too comfortable or too complacent that you lose your drive to win, no matter the circumstance. Every trial, every pain, every mistake, every opportunity and every victory you’ve experienced thus far is well in alignment for where you’re headed in the next 30+ years. Use those experiences and go conquer the world! That was the refining process, the edging and cutting, the burning of the fiery furnace to create gold, now stands a brilliant diamond …. Go let your light shine ever so brightly from every facet.

With love,

Stacy of the present

Love ❤️ Eclipse

Your light shines brighter than before, sparked with the flames of the one you adore.

Your love…I live for, it’s unique and remarkable, the depths of which are unforeseen, untold and exclusively mine. But lately there’s something that’s been blocking your shine.

Another source, another body of love that’s so much stronger, it has infiltrated our realm and gotten between us.

I’d like to think I can have both but my weak heart cannot bare the two. Which one is real? Which one is true?

A decision I don’t want to make, and neither would I utter from these lips,

A love that’s possibly temporary, I call it an ‘Eclipse’. 🌖🌗🌘🌑🌒🌓🌔

N.B.: A class assignment inspired by the eclipse 21/8/17.

Forbidden

What good it is to feel when what you’re feeling isn’t good? What good is it to love when your love is forbidden?

You see, I feel these feelings and I love so hard, but what I’m feeling for who I’m feeling, isn’t a love worth revealing.

I’d be ridiculed and hated, treated like and outcast, just for love’s sake, a love that probably wouldn’t last.

So I bottle up my truth and hide it within the depths of me; never to speak of it because to others, it’s blasphemy.

Dear Me

Dear Me,

I really miss you. I miss your cute smile, your time management skills, your spontaneity, your courage and your wittiness. You used to be so brave and courageous and you loved without limits. Whatever happened to that?

Did you let the world get to you so much so that you now live so guarded? You used to be so carefree; your fun-filled spirit could light up any room and anyone that you met almost instantaneously fell in love with your genuine self and personable personality.

Why did you allow life to restrain you and lock you away? Why did you allow it to take away your character traits? Do you even know and still believe in who you are?

I know in life change is sometimes inevitable, but some things only need to be enhanced more so than changed. Change is supposed to be for the better, for the greater good so I say embrace it, but I miss you! I need you! Someone else does too, I'm sure of it!

Let's find a way to merge the old with the new, you know what I mean? There's this thing call BALANCE. Let's seek more of that. I love you always.

Love,

Your inner self!

The Goodbye that feels Good!

No one likes goodbyes and I for one, I'm no different. The anxiety of the unknown coupled with grief of loss can leave you crippled, numb and outright fearful.

Some goodbyes are expected meanwhile others just happen, unexpected and unannounced. But no matter the foreseeable or unforeseen, they all hurt like hell.

I prayed for a goodbye. I prayed constantly and continuously. I prayed for a goodbye from pain and hurt, from manipulation and frustration, from depression and anxiety and to me from negative energy and people.

Well one day my prayers were answered in an unexpected way. Everything I prayed to get rid of I began to hold on to in fear. It was the fear of not knowing how to live happily with a clear conscience and free mind. It was the fear of not being so naive that I was easily manipulated and the fear of actually loving me with every flaw I possess, every imperfection.

I didn't want to say goodbye anymore. I wanted to keep what was familiar even to the detriment of myself. But a part of me wanted more, it said to me "You deserve more". And so I gave in to that 'foolish' thought and decided to let go!

I embraced my flaws. I smiled when God started moving negative people and situations from my life. The space that was filled but was void, became available; available to accept the things which I truly wanted and deserved. I learned to accept my imperfections and challenge my emotions. No longer will I allow them to dictate to me but I will feel them, accept them and respond accordingly.

I said goodbye, and for once it was the goodbye that actually felt GOOD!

Soul……. mate

You touched me without touching me, I levitated.

You spoke to me without actually speaking, my heart felt it.

You caress my mind and my soul craves you, there's this energy from within.

And when you do speak, it's those allusive yet subtle innuendos that leaves me weak.

It's intriguing to say the least and never has anyone awaken the sleeping beast, that is my mind.

Mere words creatively aligned and whispered, you've made my brain climax.

I often think about if ever the mental will meet the physical and be greeted by the soul, to create something so powerful that we can't control.

In the natural there's good energy, chemistry and physical attraction but in reality, these are insufficient considering there's a Bigger situation…. Soul……. mate